Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Trials, Tribulations, Triumph

The trials of a people already sentenced
Born a suspect
Raised a criminal
Lived a fugitive
Died a convict
Probated on earth
Paroled in America
Imprisoned in society

The tribulations of a people already troubled
To their past they are contracted
To their past they are indentured
To their past they are enslaved
THEY tell them to catch up
THEY preach how THEY already caught up
THEY scream to stay back

The triumph of a people already crowned
Blessed to live
Anointed to survive
Promised to thrive
Exonerated on all charges
Exterminated of all burdens
Exalted to Calvary

Soon & VERY Soon... We Are Going to See the KING!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! We Are Going to See the KING!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Jealous Bitches (JOATMON)

Bitches were jealous of me...
Ever since I had my training bra, when other girls were still rocking side ponytails
Every guy wanted me
Every girl wanted to be me
I skipped sizes like hopscotch
A's to C's to Double Ds.
Endowed with the bosom that busted
They got me out of tickets and into clubs
My first husband and fed my kids
Lol Bitches were jealous of me...
But now--They are gone...
Well one is, but THEY are not here...
I am not here
Who am I?
What am I?
Am I even a woman?
Bitches were so damn jealous me but now
Bitches pity me...I pity me

Think Pink
Breast Cancer Awareness Month is October

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The Ryan Phipps

Thursday, October 8, 2009

It Was Just My Imagination Pt. 1 (From Her) (JOATMON)

On a snowy Kansas night
With a star studded sky tucked in to the clouds
I saw you
As our eyes met, our minds meld
Our souls synced and our lives linked
Piper or not, my mind had no fear, no doubt
You beckoned me
And as if our feet were fused, in lock-step
We inched closer and closer
Those almond shaped eyes grew more soft
That reassuring smile grew more comforting
That towering statuesque frame grew more chiseled

My consciousness was knocked unconscious
Though stranger, this feeling was so familiar
And as we stood nose to nose
There were no thoughts, no nervousness
We both knew what was next

And as we inched closer, lips perched, hearts throbbing
It was only a matter of time before we reached nirvana
And as I leaned, reality careened
Forbidden Fruit, bursting with ripeness, ready in my hands
I ran, but I stayed.
And as I turned back, I saw you there looking for me
And as that tempest raged into a hurricane
I was forced into denial that... was just my imagination...

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Social Networking (JOATMON)

Facebook pulls you up as a "Friend I May Know"
May know?! Quite a bit, I'd say so
All up in my news feed
It's like I got a Ustream
Maybe a tributary
Because I'm cut off--My river ran into the cemetery
It's selfish, but it hurts more to see your happy updates
Flipping through our old tagged photos keeps me up late

This wouldn't be if I could have had everything my way
Since it ended I can't even look at MySpace
You still my Top Friend, I can't change it
It hurts too much rearrange it

I start to sweat at the sight of ya @mentions
Twitter got me bitter, but I act like I pay it no @tention
But you have been pounded in my mind
#You the trending topic
It seems to follow @you and I cant stop it

I see you log on and I feel even more miserable
Because I need you, but to you my status is invisible
I try to stay in your life by sending an occasional message
It hurts trying to fit in your life, that's why hearts aren't a shape in tetris
But pathetically i still log on
Because my home page is



Thursday, September 3, 2009

It Was Just My Imagination Pt. 2 (JOATMON)

Our love was like a fantasy.
We always felt like each other was a mirage,
Until we reached the oasis of us
The dream paled in comparison to the sun kissed tan of our reality.

I trusted you. I believed you. I loved you
I could find no flaw…
I wanted you to be my everything…
I would do anything…
I wanted you to want for nothing

You trusted me. You believed me. You loved me
Your cries of how much you love me soared to the heavens
Hell, you wanted to be my everything…
You would do anything…
You wanted me to want for nothing
But…where are you now?

Where are those reassuring hugs?
Where are those comforting kisses?
Where are those rainy days of holding?
Where are those laughter loaded hours?

Did they ever really happen?
Or was it…just my imagination?

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Friday, August 28, 2009

It Was Just My Imagination Pt. 1 (JOATMON)

On a snowy Kansas night
With a star studded sky tucked in to the clouds
I saw you
As our eyes met, our minds meld
Our souls synced and our lives linked
Siren or not, my mind had no fear, no doubt
You beckoned me
And as if our feet were fused, in lock-step
We inched closer and closer
Those chestnut eyes grew more fiery
That smile grew more brilliant
That coke bottle frame grew more curvy

My consciousness was knocked unconscious
Though stranger, this feeling was so familiar
And as we stood nose to nose
There were no thoughts, no nervousness
We both knew what was next

And as we inched closer, lips perched, hearts throbbing
It was only a matter of time before we reached nirvana
It seemed like an eternity before I felt you
But I could have kissed you for infinity
But as I opened my eyes to get another look—No one was there
I scanned the area, high and low, yet to no avail
….it was just my imagination…

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Favorite Memory of You...(JOATMON)

As I was cleaning my room yesterday, I came across a picture of you
As I gazed into your red eyes, I remembered my favorite memory of you

You’re hair is askew
Your make up is running
You’re face is flush
You aren’t even looking at me
You were in this room, at that door
The yells drowning in the tears
I reached out to you…
You reached out to me…
And you left...

Left me…left Us…
That's why my favorite memory of you is the last one.
The last time “US” existed
The final time We were

My favorite memory of you is Our break up.
Because that’s only place We exist
…in the end.


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Optical Coitus (JOATMON)

As I was grooving in the club, I peered in to the crowd
As I scan the roomed--Our eyes met
Seemingly destined
Instantly consuming
Penetrating our perception

Time froze as our bodies rose
Into the sky, into each other
As our iris’ engaged in intercourse
Our hearts raced, our minds lagged
And our adrenaline rushed

Competing to see, who would let go first
We were transfixed on transmitting our inner tempest
I never felt so alive

I wanted her to feel, everything I ever felt for a woman
Our eyes made contact, but our bodies touched

As I walked closer and closer
The temperature soared higher and higher
Our hearts beat faster and faster
Our sweat poured and poured

And just as I reached her, her boyfriend shook her free
But as she walked away, she looked back for a quickie


"Do You Want Her Back?!" (JOATMON)

As I was talking to Ms. Right Now, trying to seem like Mr. Right
She started asking me about them.
You know, the ones that got away.
I gave the mature reason that, “It didn’t work out.”
Then she asked about Her.
You know, the One that got away.

The One that used to set my sun and illuminated my nights
The One that helped me, that held me, that had me
The One that made me, me
The One that built me
The One that destroyed me

And I admitted this all, but again opted for the mature conclusion
“It didn’t work out.”

And as if she already new, smugly she inquired
“Do you want Her back?”

That was then, the past has passed,
“Do you want Her back?”

I’m a different person now, we are totally different people
“Do you want Her back?”

I pled until my tongue bled, my tear ducts dried and my saliva evaporated for Her to return, She didn’t so it’s done.

Yes! I want my sun to shine and my stars to illuminate!
I need Her to help me, to hold me, to have me!
To make me, me again!
To build me!
To re-destroy me!

“Ryan, did you hear me? Can I call you back?”

The conversation was all in my head
She didn’t ask me--I asked me, “Do you want Her…”


Monday, July 13, 2009

La Luz De Mi Vida (The Light of My Life) (JOATMON)

Like Christmas lights they cascade the sky,
Invade the eyes
The wonders, a parade of lights
Because a the top of the tree, my star shines,
Beams, radiates, illuminates, lights

My north star, creating an aurora borealis in my heart-
even when you are not here.
You are not here…
But you are in my thoughts, but I cannot see you
In my head, but I cannot hear you
In my heart, but I cannot feel you
In my dreams, but I can’t make memories with you

The memory with you
Feels like a century with you
Even though it was a minute with you
But is it eternal?

Estrella, the light of my night
Longing in my soul, para mi Sol, the light of my life

But the moon is fading
The sun’s invading
And you…you are gone…but not forgotten

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

My Favorite Picture of You...(JOATMON)

My screen saver was scrolling through my photos one day,
And as I looked up it came across my favorite picture of you

Your hair isn’t done
Your make up is half on
You’re dressed down
You aren’t even smiling
The photographer didn’t use flash, so it’s a little dim
And his hands are shaky, so it’s a tad blurry
It’s at a bad angle, and you have red eye

But I am in it too...
That's why my favorite picture of you is one of us.
Because that’s how I think about you
That’s how I still feel about you

May favorite picture of you…is we.
Because that’s they only place we exist.


Friday, June 26, 2009


This isn’t a love poem, it’s an US poem

Why write about something intangible

Indefinable, Incomprehensible

Unmanageable, unreliable?


No, I scribe scripts of surety, of purity

Dreams are deferrable

But reality is occurable

Occurred and Occurring-Reassuring

“What is” is great!

“That what may be” is not will


When you touch me

My hair levitates, goosebumps knot

And nerve endings fire like Black Cats


When you call my name

My ears while ringing, are soothed,

Heart accelerates

Perspire, yet inspired

It’s like you and my heart conspire


And when you smile at me….Girl when you smile at me!

Please smile at me?

I want to feel what I can’t explain


But this isn’t a poem about love

It’s a poem about US.


Our successes, our failures

Our history, our present

Our fights, our discoveries

Our kisses, our hugs



I am not in love with you…

But I am absolutely, head over heels, crazy about US!



Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sing, Dance, Love (JOATMON)

Love sings...
Sometimes it crescendos
Running through the scales
Leaping octaves
Sometimes shrilling
Always thrilling
Wish it was legato
Hate the rest, but need the breaths
Keeps me high as sopranos and deep as bass
Maybe acapella but always accompanied

Love dances...
The physical manifestation of elation
The ballet that tap dances my heart rate
My mind waltzes while my feet tango
Tangled in the inescapable mambo of miracle
It breakdances my fears
Giving me the swagger to surf
Always feeling dougie fresh
Like the first time, never rusty, always cranked
Some it shimmys, some it trains, but my love hops
Soaring towards my star, you

Sing, Dance, Love
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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Track One (

“I got a Dapper Swagger, A Fresher Fly”

Yo its Eklipse, PhreakyPhipps, TRP, The Lone Star Star…I’m refered by a lot, but I am highly referenced. Born in the late 80s, raised in the 90s, and matured and in the early 2K and now I’m becoming more seasoned; call me Tony’s. Straight Out of Dallas, TX, Dolla$, TX, Big D, Triple D, The Dirty Dirty D, The D, Dino aka Boogie City. Check me on youtube showing my skills, but my channel is

“I’m always Right, an Acute case of being Obtuse”

This is my culture blog. My Hip Hop blog. My life blog. Me. I will be writing about what moves me not just what makes motions. I love Hip Hop, but I LOVE MUSIC and am truly a mosaic of a man.

“I’m Back but I Gotta Leave”

Stay Tuned, Tune In, and never Tune Out. The Revolution will not be broadcasted but you will be able to download the podcast. I’m Internet Swag Surfin.

Dapper Swagger

Same Difference, Differance Same (

John Edwards famously coined the "Two Americas" rhetoric and President Barack Obama is known for his "There is no red America or blue America, only the United States of America", but it doesn't take rhetoricians to tell us that we are community of individuals. No we see that in our homes, our neighborhoods, our communities, our cities, our counties, or states, or regions, or coast, our home countries and our world.

We all have the same differences. We are all an interpretation of the myriad of experiences that life leads us through. We are all children, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, grandparents or parents of someone. And at least we are all are someones friends and most first and last we are Humans; rank nationality anywhere between.

No I am not an anarchist or against America. I am not a traitor. I am a human and that classification above all else means more than any man made intangible label designed to make sense of this incomprehensible world, corrupted by high level animals.

But I am an American, and to be a true America is to realize that our differences are the same. WE are a nation of people believing in the grace of liberty, the power of justice and the spirit of freedom. Besides the Native Americas, we are a country of immigrants, founded, designed, built, carried and loved by the hope in their hearts, the ingenuity in their minds and diversity of their cultures.
We are NOT a Melting Pot.
We are A Stew Pot.
We are NOT a land of opportunity.
We are A land of possibility.

Everything we are not, makes us everything we are. We Are...


Sunday, June 14, 2009

I'm So

I’m So…

I’m sooooo hungry
But I don’t wan to get up
The fridge is too far
And there is nothing to microwave
Plus Family Guy is on – I LOVE STEWIE!
But I’m soooo damn hungry

I’m sooooo thirsty
But I don’t want to get up
The fridge is too far
And we only have tap water
Plus it’s the episode when Stewie beats up Brian
But I’m sooooo damn thirsty

I’m soooo tired
But I don’t want to go to sleep
The bed is too far
And I might miss something
Here it comes “Where’s My Money Man?”
But I’m soooo damn tired

I’m soooo hungry and the fridge is full
I’m soooo thirsty and the ice is cold
I’m soooo sleepy and I’m laying on the couch

But I’m soooo lazy…

Inspired by Bob Marley - "In an abundance, the fool is thirsty"
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Last Parade

It rained all night

Dreaming, seemingly even bringing rocks to life

The clouds have eclipsed the sun, fogs everywhere

Inviting me, enticing me, to return to the air

But it’ll be stayed, because today is my day

Family united, with frowns upon their face

Even though I’m in the shade

I’m still here don’t be afraid

It’s my last parade

The tear stained trail behind, the sunlit path ahead

Nothings guaranteed

Hopes on the horizon, faith guides my feet

Life is what leads

No matter the confetti of cries,

No balloons of sadness will eclipse the skies

The memories will entertain us

The memories will sustain us

The memories will not constrain us

The memories contain the

Laughter, smiles, keys to keep on keeping on

Keep your head high, don’t weep on see the sun

My paths already paved, the route of my last parade

The procession proceeds

A collection of leaves

Though tattered, though scattered, they matter

Even without a connection to trees

On my erection it reads...both my birth dates

Last one’s bigger, reason why we here in the first place

Worst case scenario-No heaven, No worries

There is still life after, I’m not buried

Not in the photos, assets or accomplishments

In the hearts, heads and accomplishments

Of those I helped, facilitated or inspired

The wingless phoenix, comes back in the fire

Of those who eyes I stirred up ire

The casket can no longer be stayed

For I have already been prayed

I have been lifted, now lowered, yet I’m unafraid

of the end of my last parade…

Inspired by Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

Saturday, May 2, 2009

I Loved College (TRP and Asher Roth)

Seems like I blinked...and flew by these four years
After these last twelve hours there will be no more years
Yea there's grad school, but it's not undergraduate
Noodles in the cabinet
But you've got plenty canibus
You couldn't pass calculus
Like it was a freshman with a fat ass and tits
Class can get a little boring
That's why i keep my hoddie on low and pray I'm not snoring
Its easier to get Aids than Financial Aid
Between books and rent, I'm surprised I even came today
Between road tripping and po pimping my schedules stacked
Scheduling class around whose letting you smash
Everclear is water, only two shots to get gone
Hit the Frat parties to do Keg stands with key stone
Hell I have gotten more MIPs than As
21 I couldn't wait to see that day
Greeks compete for whose the owtest
At step shows its more like who's the loudest
Deltas and KAs beefing
Alphas and Kappas creeping
Zetas and signmas are scatterd
Iotas and Rhos don't matter
Roo to the Bruhs-Be OWT QUES
And as soon as I get over this hangover I'll be owt too

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Ryan to Rhyan

We was once so close, damn near together
Thought our bond couldn’t be broke, last damn near forever
Where there was one, there was the other
We were more, than friends, Sister and Brother
But we have discovered that distance is a mutha
An abusive one too, have we become just another…of others?

We used to think we found our half
In saddest times, in our bond, we found our laughs
Now have we round our last turn, or de we have more laps
Has our time run its course or is there more to lapse
No excitement in our hi’s, no sadness in our goodbye’s
We used to be elation in our lives; it’d be madness if we died…

Now we o so apathetic
How we talk is o so pathetic
When I call, you answer like you bothered
But when it comes to my roomies you damn near holler
But I was the one you called, when your tears fell like a shower
I don’t remember the last time we talked for an hour

It’s on me too...
For two years I had a girl that took time away from you
As I got more committed and my time became conflicted
We talk less, but I never demitted
One of the saddest days was when you came & I was the last to get a visit
Hell it’s so often now, that I’m not even tripping
Remember when you said that you didn’t like talking on the phone
At that moment I felt so alone
You voice was so soothing, and without you I was losing
It seems our grasp has loosened, to the past we oozing

So before we are a was, I want to give you your flowers
While you can see them and smell them and still feel the power
Of what we have, if half, don’t matter because it’s true
If I ever fall in love again, I’ll be sure she’s just like you
You are beautiful, intelligent, caring strong, the Perfect Delta for a Q.
If I never am successful in life, I’ll be happy to still have you

I love you Rhyan Deshawn Ford. Thanks for everything.

Thursday, April 9, 2009


The dillusion of such
Led to the illusion of the crutch
And when we fall its the contusion of the...

There is no countdown, its just counting
No count up, its just amounting
There is no time line, it really is a ray
There is no end, no one day
A myriad of moments, a barrage of breaths
Can't build your life around it, because it's here when your left

Time Limit is a myth
How do you limit a myth?
Since was to make sense of what we sensed...
As the rat race...
And even you win, we all end up in that place
Its funny when you coming in first, and it you last
You just its lapsed

So what's the worry?
People run, time crawls
So what's the hurry?

You are so insignificant
Times so infinite
You're only really here an instant
Your end is not distant
The end is in the distance

So for the sprint...why strain?
Just be happy to get in the game
Most don't leave the bench - so lame
Why did the audience even come to the game?
You soul only rents your remains

No one gets out alive
But your soul never dies
Even though your whole will never rise
Your goal is to fly...

This was born out my impeding graduation and the angst. I was inspried by Drake - Lust for Life

Lust For Life - Drake, TRP

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

One More Chance (w/ sound recording)

August 05 I started my new hustle
Hitting the books, flexing my school muscle
Left the barrel to be in the BU Bubble
Resisting Temptation became my new trouble

I ain't no bitch, I ain't no hoe
But I cant get kicked out of school back at my mama's door
So I gotta bite my lip, keep my hands under control
Just hope I implode before I explode

These college kids are too trusty
Hell I wouldn't trust me
Been hitting licks since I couldn't fit in the buggy
Log on myspace my niggas stunting in club pictures
Fuck I wish I was in the club with ya
Drinking liquor, kicking back and rolling up the swishas
Instead of being broke wishing I was getting richer with ya
The fast way, ak and ski mask way
Instead of work study wage and my new chick Ashleigh

I'm not used to bumming, but I am used to bombing
Heartbeat drumming, praying 50 ain't coming
Went from hearing guns humming, to hearing guitars strumming
I came from nothing, so I am gonna leaving with something

Fuck school Ill do what I do, if i have to
I'm tired of crying cuz my niggas dying, in the bathroom
Magic, give me half of one and Ill have two
Tired of Mom's crying because her rent is past due
She asking me for money and my tuition is past due
The burden's on my shoulder, to me its passed to

Who? The task master, the class passer
I can't build walls, but I can blast plaster
To fix holes, to fix wholes
Amazing how I take the spoon to mix bowls

A sick soul, my niggas bragging bout they come up
Who and how they got done up
Asking me to come back and pick the brunt up
Do a run up hit the mall and get my stunt up
and for school put some up

I had me cheesing
From the outside it sounds so easy
But I remember my bro, bleeding and wheezing
I remember him screaming, is he dreaming and don't leave em
I remember that he died for no fucking reason
I know if I go back, I'm not leaving
So I can't go back because I'm not leaving breathing

I wrote this my freshman year from October 2005 - Feburary 2006.Biggie wanted his One More Chance and Baylor was mines. Its not about sex. It gets hard when you hungry. And I felt like I was starving and I'm definitely not talking about food.

Listen Here

Sunday, March 22, 2009

She Likes Me...She Loves Me (w/ sound recording)

She likes me
I can feel it through her glare
Even when she is away I can feel it in the air
I felt in her cries, I felt in her tears
I can feel it in her screams, losing me is her biggest fear
This has been the weirdest year
From Heartbreak to Heartache - How did I get here?
Back to happiness how do I even get near
And does path lead back to my ex dear
Still ain't had a next dear
Its getting closer to next year
Went from D to P to N, Whats the next gear?
Or do I need a new transmission
It seems to be stuck, the switches ain't transmitting
My mind is awake, my heart is asleep
My will is so strong, but my strength is so weak

She loves me
She's giving more than she's getting
Her brain is yelling stop, but her heart won't listen
She's stuck on autopilot, stuck on automatic
She keeps saying she's had it
But she gots to have it
Withdrawl is a bitch & to me she's an addict
In our house of "us" she already the addict
I panic...
Because it has a shaky foundation
I been there before, I still have the lacerations
I'm trying to be patient, tired of being pains patient
Reinforcin, every wall, making
Sure every beams in place &
Testing, taking my time making
It not just something to stand on
But something to land on

She likes me, She loves me
She loves me, She likes me

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Seasons (with sound recording)

Chorus: x2
Separated in the summer
Divorced in the winter
Thought the whole autumn we'd be over our problems
Then I spent the spring yelling questions to my King
These Seasons, These Seasons Change

We parted when it was hottest
I didn't mind the tan, but can't varnish the tarnish
If we couldn't be forever... then we couldn't be together
If we couldn't whether the weather
Then we can be whatever whenever -Never
Where we wore last
Ever more in the past
Please hurry up pass

Change these Seasons Change

Should have known we'd fall in the fall
Bare like trees it leaves like leaves
Slowly but surely once the sun had sung
One the sun was gone
It was done. It
I hoped for a part two
A return to sender on that parcel
A new season on this cartoon -CANCELED
Late it was far to
Where are you?
Besides my heart and my head
I'm not apart from the living but I'm a part of the...dead


It ended in the winter
Destroyed any glimmer that shun through the window
I was a dumb nigga, thinking you weren't done when ya
Told me in December...but only Feb I remember
I didn't think you'd run but baby you were gone
Sorry you are gone-But you are home
Im homeless, roming on and on

These Seasons These Seasons Change

Spring sprung, and I still was
Between March Madness and April Showers I could fill up
The an ocean with tears
All I could feel was...nothing no fear
My heart chilled up - Gaping open no spill
No blood build up
I just can't forget it but you can
My mind on loop, like Sam the Toucan
Because my dreams you am...
...Actually you are
Keep telling my self one day
Because soon seems too far


Been writing it for a while, but I finally finished. Basically about a breakup and how breaking up, can break the individual in the process.

Listen here

Sunday, March 15, 2009

You're Still Here...

You’re still here…
I ran for days, weeks, and months
Just to realize that you’ve followed me
Now matter the speed or distance
Here we are neck and neck

You’re still here…
Although we parted physically
Mentally and emotionally-We are inseparable.
My thoughts, worries, inklings, qualms, concerns…
All against my tries tether back to you

You’re still here…
Memories of us haunt me
Not because I don’t want to think about them
But because no more memories can be made
Hindsight is 20/20, but my foresight is blind

You’re still here…
You don’t want to be.

You I’d never regret
I don’t want to regress
But any progress I seem to reject
I never ever want to renig on us
I only regret what I did to us

You’re still here…
Under my skin
In my eyes…
In my smiles…
In my cries…
In my dreams…

Reaching as I fall, my arms stretch towards you

Its pretty much self explanatory. Its an old write, that I just posted, it's not recent. Enjoy, click the last line to watch the video, that inspired it. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Reflections - Winter Break pt. 2

The next few days were full of the same crazy and painstaking 12+ hour days, but the hurt only began to come. The next week my father called me and told me my grandfather was in the hospital with a flesh eating virus. He almost died and his future was unsure but hopeful.
 Clarence E. Hill, my grandfather, my fraternity brother, my friend was almost taken from me. Only meeting my grandfather my sophmore year of high school, I have only 7 years with him. My mother's father never clamied her. He deemed her too dark skin to be his child, so I never got to see him...until his funeral. My greatgrand father was my grandfather, but alas he was snatched away from me in 1994. He helped raise me and my mother, taking me in when young mother could not raise me, my sister who is one year younger than me, and deal with the divorce from her 1st husband.  He was my first father. He is where I got my work ethic, my determination, my role model. I did not get to have that with my father's father. I was grown when he met me, and with him living in San Antonio, we hardly ever get to talk. 
No one in my life stays for long...noone is in my life for long.
I have had over 26 friends die since matriculating in to Mesquite High School in 2001. Too many friends turn fraudlent, too many likes never love, too many loves lost to time. I should have seen it coming. Denial is not only a river. Its really hard for me to handel. I don't know how to handel it. That is why I am writing. I am not a talker (SHUTUP LOL), I am a writer. 
The New Year really meant nothing to me. NYD was just another day...So was TRP Day. TRP EVE WAS SO OWT. CLUB STING IS THE SEXY SPOT IN DALLAS. I woke up on my birthday watched ESPN till All My Children Came on and then it is all a blur. Woke up Saturday morning and came back to Baylor...My sisters Chan and JJ came through with Valarie on thier way back from San Antonio. I love to see my sisters, but with joy comes pain. My grandfather isn't doing that much better, and neither is my mind. 

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Relections - Winter Break pt. 1

"I need to make change, but I don't want to break 100"

This past winter break was extremely hard. It was the first break completely without my ex-girlfriend of two years...we met in the winter of 2005. Work seemed extra grueling this year, working multiple 14 hr days in a row, going in at 8 a.m. and leaving at 1 a.m. the next morning. Working in retail, especially this season, killed my Christmas spirit. Christmas has became the day before Black Friday, a precursor to more superficial materialism. A lady even complained to me about the mall closing early on Christmas Eve, because she still had more shopping to do, with 8 bags in hand. She never thought about how I felt, the mall employee who has busted his ass more weeks in the madness and just wants to go home to his family. That Christmas Eve I relaxed and passed out after a nice meal. And then came The Day Before Black Friday. 
My father works for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram as a sports  reporter. He covers the Cowboys, and every year I am at the game, in the press box with the free food. Its like a small heaven, football, food and my father. But this year I was too tired to go to the game (THANKS CHAMPS SPORTS) so I opted to just spend some time with my two younger sisters and my step mom. I love all my sisters, Raquel, Te'Ayrra, Channing, and Jhira, so I decided to be with Chan and JJ(Jihra) in the morning and De De(Raquel) and T in the evening. As soon as I walked in Chan and JJ greeted me with smiles and excitement, immediately walking over to the tree and handing me my presents. I handed them theirs and they blitzed up the stairs to the new Wii. (I promise that game is crack.) Then it was just me and my stepmom (DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNN) and I didn't know what to expect. We have had an extremely rocky relationship eversince I first found my Dad April 1st of 2003. Something about her just always dug at me and it contiuned to. So I sat down, took a breath and calmed my self. She asked me to clean out the fire place and rather than flipping out, (I was in a fresh ass outfit, lol, I had a sweater and an Express shirt on, I was cute), I took off my shirt and went to work. After that my stepmom set in to give me another lecture, which caused so many of our previous conflicts.
But then I started to listen, or rathered she started to talk to me. She empowered me with information I never knew. When my mother first met my dad and stepmom she told them that there was nothing more she could teach me. I was too smart and she knew that she didn't give me the intelligence. She basically gave them the responsibility to understanding me and forming for the rest of my high school years. But Valarie said to me that I had also greatly surpassed her and my father. I was blessed with intelligence that my father didn't give to me, neither my mother, but God. This hit hard home with me. My mother never likes to show her weakness and for her to say something like that to Valarie was an outpour of honest emotion that I had been clamoring for for years. I pictured my mother not comprehending why I was so smart. It hurt me, because she was the reason why I was so smart. It was the fear of those world famous ass whoopings that kept me in the books. The want to alleviate her stress of working three jobs to suppport three kids that pushed me to learn. 
I then went home, to my sisters and mother, seeing it all in a differently light. I feel asleep, because I had to be at work at 12 AM THAT MORNING!